TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present All people a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to stop using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the job, replied, "You understand, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has Trump Tower Damascus formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a attribute remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD may have switch-down company."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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